Living in limbo

Being an adult is scary.

Not that I haven't known this my whole life. Unlike most kids I never uttered the words, "I can't wait till I get older." Now that I am older I'm certain I was right and those other kids were nuts.

My life is at a limbo point. School has been a constant; my comfort zone. Even during the times when my life was chaotic, I knew for several hours each day where I'd be and what I'd be doing. Education has exposed me to so much more than I had ever expected as a young girl in the South Bronx.

Now that chapter is over. I find myself house-hopping, staying with friends and relatives. Applying for job posts I never hear back about..or, maybe I do, I wouldn't know on account of my phone being stolen last week after a job interview ironically enough.

It's a little daunting. Okay, it's completely overwhelming at times. I watch several hours of scripted TV to escape from my frantic thoughts. Then I float through more job posts, and try thinking of new ways to stand out. This blog is one. An informal way to introduce myself, develop my own voice and create a social media presence. I've received more than 100 page views this month!

I think the greatest challenge in reaching my goals would be getting out of my own way. I've adopted a "Can-Do" mentality, and put my best foot forward each day. Starting today I will apply to at least five jobs a day.

These things take time, but the methods work if you work them. I am all set to put all gears in motion.

The "Minefield"

When words like "THOT" and "thirsty" are so frequently tossed around on social media it's no wonder the younger generation is desensitized to love.

To me words like these undermine sexuality, sensuality, chivalry and general politeness. I can't message someone "hey," without them thinking it's because I want the D. Or, if I actually like someone I can't overtly display affection because dating has become a sick game of who can make the other feel more with little or no-intention of feeling the same.

These days everyone has trust issues. But, my trust issues come with an interesting twist.

We've all heard of the wall around the heart. The metaphorical obstacle surrounding the affections of someone you care for. Trying to get over it often feels impossible, but once on the other side it's all worth it (or at least that's what I've picked up from movies). The bricks of any wall have been crafted from daddy-issues, low self-esteem, poor prior relationships, etc. The list goes on.

While, I do have my acquired share of trust-issues I don't have a wall. To on-lookers I have a naive air about me. I manage to ungracefully fumble into "like" with someone quite often and rather easy. I take what they tell me at face value, because why lie? We are not invested in each other yet. As time goes on there are things I share with said person (family issues, past experiences, expectations, etc.), all the while assuming that they are hearing me and getting to know me.

Though things may be fine and dandy this person fails to realize  that they are in a minefield. No, I didn't have you jumping threw hoops when we met, but like most people I still have my issues. When pursuing a romantic relationship some behavior is not tolerable. Sometimes without even meaning to a guy could step on a "mine" and kill himself in my eyes.

More often than not most guys just graze themselves in the field at first with small things that infuriate most females; forgetting to call or making light of feelings. Then there are the DOA mines: lying, cheating, lying about cheating......

There are also some mines that are repeatedly transgressed, such as being inconsistent. I understand people are busy, we're both young with goals, the ball drops on occasion, but if you are consistently inconsistent there is no quick end for you. I feel as a man, everything you say out of your mouth is a promise. If you ruin that I feel it's completely justified if I drive you insane. I am liable to become the epitome of "Heartless," by Kanye West.

5 a.m. breakfast time. Thanks for reading!

What now?

On May 10, 2014 I graduated from Indiana University of Pennsylvania with a bachelor's degree in journalism. 

My day consisted of two graduation ceremonies (one for my department and the other a university-wide event), and a nap that was followed by hurriedly packing all of my belongings for the 3 a.m. drive across state. I am a firm believer that you never know how much stuff you own until you're forced to box it all away and find a new home for it.

Since returning to the eastern part of the state I've been plagued with questions about jobs, my future and having to move on. As you can probably guess from my use of the word "plagued" that I am not too fond of this personal epidemic. I would love to tell people that I was working for XYZ company for the summer, that I wanted a job doing ABC for the next two years before I move to INSERT CITY, but the truth is I don't really know what's supposed to happen next. It's somehow liberating and exciting, as well as constrictive and scary.

Despite what college students may want we are not provided a step-by-step guide to post-graduate success. There is no one way to reach your goals, everyone's path is different, and right now my path has directed me to endless on-line job searches.

As for moving on from college life I won't miss the homework, the exams, the late nights of studying, the late nights I worried I didn't study or do enough homework, justifying expensive bar tabs as a way to deal with difficult professors, the stress eating, hair-loss and just generally questioning my existence at college. 

But, I will miss MY APARTMENT where there wasn't a curfew, a full-sized bed and 15 feet from the nearest bar. I will also miss my various friends who come from all corners of the Earth, those supportive professors who validated my existence at college, the learning environment, the cheap alcohol, my friends, school spirit based holidays, socially acceptable Netflix binging, napping in the library (both intentional and unintentional), my friends, "Mario Party" parties which consisted of at least 6 unplanned hours of Nintendo 64 in a residence hall community room, late-night Walmart runs, late-night Sheetz visits, going to Pittsburgh/Greensburg/Blairsville randomly on the weekend, creative college student meals, meeting new people, being 5 beautiful hours away from family drama and my friends.

I am sad my college experience is over. If I could start from the beginning to do it over I would. It was the most transformative period in my life. At 18 years-old I had no idea what to expect from the next four years of my life, but now that it's over I'm glad I went. Walking onto that campus I was a painfully shy teen who had very little idea who she was. Now I am a young woman with drive and no plan, wondering what now?