New Job Depression

On Tuesday I went in for job interview at JCPenney. I didn't think much of it. I was called for the interview a little more than 24 hours before. I had just told my friends that I was heading back to Philadelphia, refreshed and renewed to continue my job search.

I came to New York to visit family, take a break from the job search and check out the job market. My cousin convinced me to apply to JCPenney because she worked at one location that was hiring. I figured, why not? I spent the first half of the summer in sporadic pain too intense to work, then the rest has been spent stressing through job posts. If I could find a job in the city of my childhood at least I'd finally have some income.

That's how I found myself in a room with about a dozen other JCP hopefuls. As the interview commenced, the more I got to know the other applicants the more I wanted to stay. I went from not really caring if I were hired to secretly praying that I was.

They escorted four people from the room, and the rest of us were 'the chosen.' I was on a high. I had filled out more than 6 dozen applications this summer for various positions. and this was the second interview I had been granted. I have a job.

Two days later the high was gone, and I can't help but re-evaluate where I went wrong. There's nothing wrong with working retail, but I hate to think this is what I spent  four years and $46,000 on. I got a degree so I could be eligible to fold shirts, and sign people up for store cards.

My one biggest regret about college is not having enough confidence. I doubted myself, talked myself out of a lot beneficial opportunities. Now, I find myself doing it again.I feel my confidence slipping, and with every unanswered email the voice of doubt finds reason to resurface.

But I know enough to know better now. I know who I am, and who I was.

I will work at JCPenney because they pay, and I honestly love the store (something I picked-up at the very sparse Indiana Mall). I will also work to fill the gap between theoretical lectures and practical application. I suppose I'm afraid that I will never be able to do that; that those moments and opportunities that I passed on will continue to be a pattern.

I want more out of life and as I watch my classmates move one with life, I hope I don't get stuck here.

Big City Living

With one large over-stuffed suitcase, a one-way bus ticket and a metro card I made my way to New York City. It's either the smartest or dumbest thing I could have done since I'm dead broke. 

I've previously lived in New York for 12 years, but it doesn't make this experience any less daunting. I hope it all works out. Fingers crossed!

Close to home....

Just 24 minutes away. A walk of a little more than a mile from my home according to Google maps. That's all I could think watching the footage from the 6 ABC news helicopter. 

A shooting incident on the campus of hospital in Delaware County, Thursday afternoon have left two injured and one dead.

At approximately 2:30 p.m. alleged gunman Richard Plotts of Upper Darby opened fire in the psychiatric unit of the wellness center on the Mercy Fitzgerald Hospital campus, grazing  52 year-old psychiatrist Lee Silverman  and killing a 53 year-old female caseworker of Philadelphia, said Delaware County District Attorney Jack Whelan.

Officials reported that Silverman returned fire, shooting Plotts multiple times and critically injuring him.  Plotts was a patient and suffered "psychiatric issues," said Whelan.

"Buyers that purchase firearms through private sales in the U.S. don't have to pass a background check before obtaining possession of the weapon. This includes sales to criminals, felons, and people with a history of severe mental illness."

                                                                                                            -DoSomething.Org

I'm used to watching the footage from other scenes with similar stories. A foreign setting, with people I don't know. A school, a movie theater, a mall, etc...

Tragedies like these always create more questions than answers, and one question that always crops up: How do we prevent these incidents?

Incidents of this kind are becoming more frequent, so what do we do? Regulate the guns? Regulate the people?

The sad truth of these events is that law enforcement can only react as swiftly as possible to these calls. Officers from Darby and Yeadon boroughs secured the campus in a very timely manner, according to Whelan.

The gun-weilding doctor "'without a doubt saved lives,'" said chief of the Yeadon Police Department Donald Molineux.

It's easy to see how a psychiatrist would potentially be in danger dealing with mentally unstable patients, but should they be armed? Should teachers or school security guards? Or, ushers at movie theaters?

Are more guns really the answer to the gun issue?

"Since 1950, every public mass shooting (with the exception just 1) in the U.S. has occurred in a place where civilians are banned from carrying firearms." 

                                                                                                          - DoSomething.Org

Monday the Philadelphia Phillies installed a metal detector to the right-field entrance of Citizen Bank Park, and next season there will be metal detectors at all of the stadium's entrances as part of a league-wide safety initiative. 

As a product of several public school systems I am no stranger to the lengthy lines of metal detectors. I went to three different high schools, and at three different high schools I had to wait in line to be scanned and searched. 

It sucked. Sunshine, rain, snow, hail...waiting outside to be processed. They even confiscated hooded sweaters at one of my high schools because it interfered with facial recognition on security footage. But, after going through a gun scare my freshman year I knew these precautions were necessary.

As I get older they are becoming more necessary, EVERYWHERE. 

The world is a scary place, and I urge everyone to be safe, but don't live in fear. Though there may be evil, there is also good.

Living in limbo

Being an adult is scary.

Not that I haven't known this my whole life. Unlike most kids I never uttered the words, "I can't wait till I get older." Now that I am older I'm certain I was right and those other kids were nuts.

My life is at a limbo point. School has been a constant; my comfort zone. Even during the times when my life was chaotic, I knew for several hours each day where I'd be and what I'd be doing. Education has exposed me to so much more than I had ever expected as a young girl in the South Bronx.

Now that chapter is over. I find myself house-hopping, staying with friends and relatives. Applying for job posts I never hear back about..or, maybe I do, I wouldn't know on account of my phone being stolen last week after a job interview ironically enough.

It's a little daunting. Okay, it's completely overwhelming at times. I watch several hours of scripted TV to escape from my frantic thoughts. Then I float through more job posts, and try thinking of new ways to stand out. This blog is one. An informal way to introduce myself, develop my own voice and create a social media presence. I've received more than 100 page views this month!

I think the greatest challenge in reaching my goals would be getting out of my own way. I've adopted a "Can-Do" mentality, and put my best foot forward each day. Starting today I will apply to at least five jobs a day.

These things take time, but the methods work if you work them. I am all set to put all gears in motion.

The "Minefield"

When words like "THOT" and "thirsty" are so frequently tossed around on social media it's no wonder the younger generation is desensitized to love.

To me words like these undermine sexuality, sensuality, chivalry and general politeness. I can't message someone "hey," without them thinking it's because I want the D. Or, if I actually like someone I can't overtly display affection because dating has become a sick game of who can make the other feel more with little or no-intention of feeling the same.

These days everyone has trust issues. But, my trust issues come with an interesting twist.

We've all heard of the wall around the heart. The metaphorical obstacle surrounding the affections of someone you care for. Trying to get over it often feels impossible, but once on the other side it's all worth it (or at least that's what I've picked up from movies). The bricks of any wall have been crafted from daddy-issues, low self-esteem, poor prior relationships, etc. The list goes on.

While, I do have my acquired share of trust-issues I don't have a wall. To on-lookers I have a naive air about me. I manage to ungracefully fumble into "like" with someone quite often and rather easy. I take what they tell me at face value, because why lie? We are not invested in each other yet. As time goes on there are things I share with said person (family issues, past experiences, expectations, etc.), all the while assuming that they are hearing me and getting to know me.

Though things may be fine and dandy this person fails to realize  that they are in a minefield. No, I didn't have you jumping threw hoops when we met, but like most people I still have my issues. When pursuing a romantic relationship some behavior is not tolerable. Sometimes without even meaning to a guy could step on a "mine" and kill himself in my eyes.

More often than not most guys just graze themselves in the field at first with small things that infuriate most females; forgetting to call or making light of feelings. Then there are the DOA mines: lying, cheating, lying about cheating......

There are also some mines that are repeatedly transgressed, such as being inconsistent. I understand people are busy, we're both young with goals, the ball drops on occasion, but if you are consistently inconsistent there is no quick end for you. I feel as a man, everything you say out of your mouth is a promise. If you ruin that I feel it's completely justified if I drive you insane. I am liable to become the epitome of "Heartless," by Kanye West.

5 a.m. breakfast time. Thanks for reading!

What now?

On May 10, 2014 I graduated from Indiana University of Pennsylvania with a bachelor's degree in journalism. 

My day consisted of two graduation ceremonies (one for my department and the other a university-wide event), and a nap that was followed by hurriedly packing all of my belongings for the 3 a.m. drive across state. I am a firm believer that you never know how much stuff you own until you're forced to box it all away and find a new home for it.

Since returning to the eastern part of the state I've been plagued with questions about jobs, my future and having to move on. As you can probably guess from my use of the word "plagued" that I am not too fond of this personal epidemic. I would love to tell people that I was working for XYZ company for the summer, that I wanted a job doing ABC for the next two years before I move to INSERT CITY, but the truth is I don't really know what's supposed to happen next. It's somehow liberating and exciting, as well as constrictive and scary.

Despite what college students may want we are not provided a step-by-step guide to post-graduate success. There is no one way to reach your goals, everyone's path is different, and right now my path has directed me to endless on-line job searches.

As for moving on from college life I won't miss the homework, the exams, the late nights of studying, the late nights I worried I didn't study or do enough homework, justifying expensive bar tabs as a way to deal with difficult professors, the stress eating, hair-loss and just generally questioning my existence at college. 

But, I will miss MY APARTMENT where there wasn't a curfew, a full-sized bed and 15 feet from the nearest bar. I will also miss my various friends who come from all corners of the Earth, those supportive professors who validated my existence at college, the learning environment, the cheap alcohol, my friends, school spirit based holidays, socially acceptable Netflix binging, napping in the library (both intentional and unintentional), my friends, "Mario Party" parties which consisted of at least 6 unplanned hours of Nintendo 64 in a residence hall community room, late-night Walmart runs, late-night Sheetz visits, going to Pittsburgh/Greensburg/Blairsville randomly on the weekend, creative college student meals, meeting new people, being 5 beautiful hours away from family drama and my friends.

I am sad my college experience is over. If I could start from the beginning to do it over I would. It was the most transformative period in my life. At 18 years-old I had no idea what to expect from the next four years of my life, but now that it's over I'm glad I went. Walking onto that campus I was a painfully shy teen who had very little idea who she was. Now I am a young woman with drive and no plan, wondering what now?

How to Avoid Love: The Discovery of the Buffer

Growing up I noticed many post-millennial teens would proclaim to have found love in high school. Whether or not what they felt was real, I'm not sure but I did know it wasn't going to last. I had suffered great personal loss early on in life so dating in high school seemed illogical to me, why fall for someone you couldn't keep?

That is not to say my love-life was uneventful. I had a few guys in my life who were more than friends. Nothing substantial, and I realize now trying to recall these men, no one worth remembering. I had shed many dramatic teenage tears, feeling alone but not wanting to feel pain.

Fast-forward to college, my first real attempt at dating and a relationship fell short of expectations. I cried. It hurt. Eventually, I got over it and ended up with a really good friend.

The more I tried dating in the college scene the more I realized guys had a different agenda. While I believed college was where people met their soul-mates, others thought it was a time for casual sex and general fun. Nothing wrong with that I suppose.

I am now in my senior year of college, two months from graduating and love is still a mystery to me.

How have I managed to stay aloof in such an abundant dating scene? The buffer system.

I highly doubt this is something I've created, or even named, but as I was accused of having a "flock" of men interested in me, I had to wonder about my dating rituals.

Well for one, I am a quirky lass if I do say so myself. I laugh while kissing, break out in song quite often, and quite honestly I'm confident in the person I am which leads me to act without thinking. My straight-forward demeanor has confused and scared guys, while also drawing them in. So now I have a  group of male friends who can't tell if they like me or not.

Then, there's the group of guys I like, I mean the ones I REALLY like. The guys I've contemplated a future with. Guys who have probably witnessed the more sensitive side of my personality. The problem with me liking someone is I want to shamelessly pursue them, thankfully before I can embarrass myself in such a manner my common sense says no. I then slide into this awkward phase of disliking that I want to be with them so much. 

This leads to the buffer system. I spend time with the guys in group one so that I don't get too attached to the guys in group two. I know. Crazy. And, I'm pretty sure that counts as using them and leading them on. So, now I feel like a bad person.

Thanks to the buffer system, I have a network of emotional support without having to commit to any one person.

As I think about my post-graduate life I am glad to be unattached and uncommitted. I can pick up and go, where ever. I can meet new people, go new places. I have the chance to explore the world, find more of myself and make mistakes.

People my age are moving in together, having kids and getting married. No judgement here, I'm sure life in a healthy relationship with someone who truly cares about you is fulfilling within itself. You can still do things, just with the consideration of a significant other.