That is not to say my love-life was uneventful. I had a few guys in my life who were more than friends. Nothing substantial, and I realize now trying to recall these men, no one worth remembering. I had shed many dramatic teenage tears, feeling alone but not wanting to feel pain.
Fast-forward to college, my first real attempt at dating and a relationship fell short of expectations. I cried. It hurt. Eventually, I got over it and ended up with a really good friend.
The more I tried dating in the college scene the more I realized guys had a different agenda. While I believed college was where people met their soul-mates, others thought it was a time for casual sex and general fun. Nothing wrong with that I suppose.
I am now in my senior year of college, two months from graduating and love is still a mystery to me.
How have I managed to stay aloof in such an abundant dating scene? The buffer system.
I highly doubt this is something I've created, or even named, but as I was accused of having a "flock" of men interested in me, I had to wonder about my dating rituals.
Well for one, I am a quirky lass if I do say so myself. I laugh while kissing, break out in song quite often, and quite honestly I'm confident in the person I am which leads me to act without thinking. My straight-forward demeanor has confused and scared guys, while also drawing them in. So now I have a group of male friends who can't tell if they like me or not.
Then, there's the group of guys I like, I mean the ones I REALLY like. The guys I've contemplated a future with. Guys who have probably witnessed the more sensitive side of my personality. The problem with me liking someone is I want to shamelessly pursue them, thankfully before I can embarrass myself in such a manner my common sense says no. I then slide into this awkward phase of disliking that I want to be with them so much.
This leads to the buffer system. I spend time with the guys in group one so that I don't get too attached to the guys in group two. I know. Crazy. And, I'm pretty sure that counts as using them and leading them on. So, now I feel like a bad person.
Thanks to the buffer system, I have a network of emotional support without having to commit to any one person.
As I think about my post-graduate life I am glad to be unattached and uncommitted. I can pick up and go, where ever. I can meet new people, go new places. I have the chance to explore the world, find more of myself and make mistakes.
People my age are moving in together, having kids and getting married. No judgement here, I'm sure life in a healthy relationship with someone who truly cares about you is fulfilling within itself. You can still do things, just with the consideration of a significant other.
